Went to an A. Palmer concert last night…. was amazing. It’s set my imagination ablaze, though… What is it about some people that they have this… this spark in them… and then there’s people like me who wander through life completely unilluminated? I feel as if any fire I had inside, any creativity, any presence.. it’s all been snuffed, if in fact it ever was there to begin with.
And let’s not mince, shall we? What did I ever really have?
Kindness? No… Wit? Again, not so much. Loyalty? Ahh… now that I have in spades, except some would argue that i have a fucked sense of the noun. Love? What is love, exactly, and how do I know if I’m actually doing it or receiving it or whathaveyou? There are many who would say I don’t know the meaning of the word, and yet I would argue that from the pain I’ve felt and the depth and intensity with which I’ve encountered and felt… whatever it is I’ve felt… I believe I know love better than many.
Oh, I’m so tired… the rambling goes on and on, my mind never shuts up. In fact, the more fatigued I am the louder it seems to get. The self doubt gets amped up, the negative thoughts seem to shout, and I wonder how I’ve managed to survive this long with this sort of mental defect. Brain damaged? Who knows. I’m a functional girl, who’s to say if it’s a good functional or not.
What have I done to one of my longest friendships? Have I made it better? Worse? Neither? Somehow I feel the neither option is worse than the worse option, if just because I feel like that denotes apathy… and what I feel is NOT apathy. And for her to feel it towards me is just painful. I know that’s silly– that her not caring is probably a good thing, but I can’t help it. I know she’s not… like me. And that’s fine. Actually, I guess we’ll see how it shakes out in the long run. I haven’t seen her face to face since I broke the news, and it’s easy to be the same via email. We’ll see.
