Things are going fairly well, I think, in kitty-land.  I have to admit, there have been a few bumps in the road, but really?  I’m overall as happy as I possibly can be.  I’ve found a place where I feel surrounded by friends, I’m interested in what’s going on… they’ve even decided to let me dj once a week there, as well as parties.  That will be a LOT of fun, especially after Halloween. 

Things still feel in flux, though…I’m not really sure why, but they do.  Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s the chill in my bones, I’m not really sure. 

The Poker- Who I’ve decided shall be renamed to Furball- and I have been spending most of our time together.  He’s trying to teach me how to do FFC, and I’m trying to learn.  He’s also fighting a (losing) battle in trying to teach me to fly a ship properly.  I always end up crashed into a mountain or water.  Still, it’s fun, and I’m enjoying myself.

Jediboy has shown signs of stalking me- showing up everywhere I am doing something, especially if Furball’s with me.  It was wierdly amusing the first time, irritating the second, and pathetically amusing the last time.  i haven’t seen him on the sim much, and the one time I did see him he came to my house for a discussion.  But that was just a wierd discussion that I don’t even want to think about.

I really care for my Furball, but as usual, doubts creep in.  I’m trying to push them away, if just because I’ve seen what doubts and constant issues will do.  It’s a rough go, though, we’ll see how it falls out.

Friday night everything changed.  I ended up getting enough courage to tell the Poker how I feel.  I really need to find a new name for him… but for now he can be the Poker.  I finally told him what I felt… and that it’d been so long… and he reciprocates.  I ended every other dalliance I have… I want to be with him, why spend time with others when I know who I want?

He confided last night that he’s had a crush on me since we met… so I shared that I’d had a crush too.  I’d been afraid to say anything, but I’d loved being around him.  Ironic…

We both think the other is amazing… and that we don’t deserve the other.  I adore him, though.  I even like just knowing he’s there, on the other end, even if we’re not talking… just like being able to reach out.   We talk about anything and everything.  And we’ve never done anything, and there’s no hurry to do anything… we’re just.. enjoying each other.

We’re taking it slow, somewhat… but the council already knows about us, and Jedi Boy caught me sitting in his lap, so I’m sure lots of people know now.  And I’m not afraid of that. I’m proud of him, and proud of us. 

No, I won’t say it, I won’t say I’m in…

Jedi Boy…

He’s a liar.  He’s manipulative, lying, selfish… and was just stringing me along all this time.  The Chameleon contacted me on Friday and let me know that they’ve been seeing each other for ages.  Even as he has been telling me otherwise.  I’m embarrassed to go to the sim… I’m heartbroken about it.  And The Chameleon is… stirring trouble.  The Boot Master and MasterG have sort of banded with me, keeping me safe from them… but the Chameleon has it out for MasterG.  They have a past, and well, she appears to be twisting things to her own benefit.  Of course.  They both have changed their profiles, and Chameleon is playing a drama game in hers, but she doesn’t realize just how bad her entry makes her and Jedi Boy look.  As for him, he still wants to be friends with me.  That’s so not what I want.  Eventually I’ll be tolerable with him, I’m sure.  But right now I never want to see him again, for all the lies.

I can’t believe I was that stupid.  At the same time, I feel lucky to have such friends, and to feel so loved at a time like this.

The Witness dumped me for God.  Have grown apart from the Dreamer due to finances and RL cramping us.

Have a few things on my plate.  My mind whirls…  part of me wants to run and hide, the other part wants to run head on into it.

All in all…

I’m broken for now.

I really do.  Hate thinking up titles.  Posts should evaluate themselves and voila! there’s a title.  Instead I get stuck at that one line.  Hmmm… title.. title… how in the name of Earl Grey am I going to find a line that’s clever and witty and fun and yet thoughtful and dramatic? Next thing you know I’m all worked up over the title, and the entry never gets done.

So I’m ignoring the title.  This is the official title-less post.  Well, the first. Since I’m sure there will be more.  But onward.

I’m fairly sure I’ve got a cold.  Or flu, or something of the sort.  Something that makes me head heavy and my lungs hurt, and that makes me sound like I’m 22. (This is an improvement- the normal sound is around 15.)  I’m trying not to sleep across my desk, and the clock is, I swear, going backwards.  There.. it just hit 9:22.  Again.  I’m ignoring it as well. 

Got a new place last night.  I need to get rid of Folly, now.  Sort of sad about it- it’s a gorgeous place.. but I need someplace away from Caledon.  Away from Everywhere. And this place will be it.   I’ve put a house down, although I’m not sure it’s the one that’ll stay.  I also have a whole bunch of beach shopping to do.  I’m kind of excited.

Been hanging out a lot with the swrp people.. making good friends.  I have two in particular that seem as if I could get close to them.   For one that’ll be harder than it sounds, he puts up major walls, but the other has already started to let me in, and I appreciate it and enjoy the ride.  Friends is rough!

I’m todo un pocoing at my desk… which, since you can’t see, I’ll have to explain.  “De Todo un Poco” is playing on my mp3 player… and I’m doing this wiggly pseudosalsa wanna be dance in my chair.  Designed to draw minimum notice and mockery.  Mostly don’t care, except the big boss.

Cuz the big boss doesn’t todo un poco.

Happy Friday

I have a (VERY) large bottle of lemon flavored Arizona Ice Tea and am enjoying the Friday caffeine buzz. 

I’m bouncy, I’m happy, I’m really really enjoying this moment in time.

I don’t really know why.  Nor am I really exploring it.  I’m just enjoying it.  And listening to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  I’ve already finished The Little Mermaid soundtrack.  Next may or may not be Aladdin.

I’m having to balance myself more than ever, with RL and SL and friends and family and everything… but I think I’m doing ok.  Somehow I’m losing hours in the day but gaining in productivity.  I’m still not sure how I’m doing that, but I’m not really complaining.

Sadly, no socks to show off.  They’re white and plain- much unlike my mood

Attention everyone!

There is happy news in kiraland, and all the little who boys and girls are rejoicing!

I have new socks.

Specifically, I have new pink argyle socks.  On my feet.  At this very moment.

This is for anyone who doubts me **Look Here**

I actually have more sock glory to come- I encountered a sock sale, and voila, I have quite a few new pairs to show off. 

I even have a lovely green argyle pair… but, and don’t tell them this… but I think the pink ones might be better.  They certainly make my feet all happy.  They kind of top off a Friday, to make it just right.  The only way this day could get better is if I found a daisy randomly somewhere.  I’d put it on my desk, and it would be part of the “beautification efforts” of the building.  I say daisy specifically because those are my favorites.

Oh… and did I mention i got a pair of socks with daisies on them?  They might, just might, rival the pink argyle ones.

Maybe.

Went to an A. Palmer concert last night…. was amazing.  It’s set my imagination ablaze, though… What is it about some people that they have this… this spark in them… and then there’s people like me who wander through life completely unilluminated?  I feel as if any fire I had inside, any creativity, any presence.. it’s all been snuffed, if in fact it ever was there to begin with.

And let’s not mince, shall we?  What did I ever really have?

Kindness? No… Wit?  Again, not so much.  Loyalty?  Ahh… now that I have in spades, except some would argue that i have a fucked sense of the noun.  Love? What is love, exactly, and how do I know if I’m actually doing it or receiving it or whathaveyou?  There are many who would say I don’t know the meaning of the word, and yet I would argue that from the pain I’ve felt and the depth and intensity with which  I’ve encountered and felt… whatever it is I’ve felt… I believe I know love better than many. 

Oh, I’m so tired… the rambling goes on and on, my mind never shuts up.  In fact, the more fatigued I am the louder it seems to get.  The self doubt gets amped up, the negative thoughts seem to shout, and I wonder how I’ve managed to survive this long with this sort of mental defect.  Brain damaged?  Who knows.  I’m a functional girl, who’s to say if it’s a good functional or not.

What have I done to one of my longest friendships?  Have I made it better? Worse? Neither?  Somehow I feel the neither option is worse than the worse option, if just because I feel like that denotes apathy… and what I feel is NOT apathy. And for her to feel it towards me is just painful.  I know that’s silly– that her not caring is probably a good thing, but I can’t help it.  I know she’s not… like me. And that’s fine.  Actually, I guess we’ll see how it shakes out in the long run.  I haven’t seen her face to face since I broke the news, and it’s easy to be the same via email. We’ll see.